In All Her Glory
by FireValkyrie
Summary: This is difficult to summarize as it reads like crazed woodchucks on crack. It involves a rival group to Voldemort known as Death Munchers, hazing, nudity, mangos, etc. Short to say, it's psychotic insanity at it's best. NOTE: Utter Hilarity
1. Mangos? We don't have any

**Warning: **Unauthorized reposting is not tolerated. Harry Potter copyright respective owners. Storyline and Creativity herein copyright FireValkyrie: Miss T. Vaughn S. For archiving information and express permission to archive elsewhere, please contact me at horrormoviebufy at yahoo . com or slytherinsnakequeensupreme at yahoo . com. There is no acceptable excuse for unauthorized postings as I am quite reachable. If this story is found on any other site except fanfiction . net, please contact me. Thank you!

This story is just for shits and giggles, so please don't kill me for Harry Potter blasphemy. My sister and I were just bored one night, and she dictated as I wrote, making me the main character(and no, my name is not Linda. she is my sexy alter personality:), and this was the product of our madness. It's probably better read at night when you're so tired, everything's funny, as was when we were writing it, and we were laughing our asses off.

Please do not judge my other work by this story if this is your first time reading me. I know it reads like crazed woodchucks on crack, but it was fun. I do this type of thing often, and I think others should too. Just remember, it's all in good fun. please check out my other stories as well as my sister's: forceofhobbit. Okay, enough with the shameless self-promotion.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his buddies, but I was convicted of Severus stalking and acquitted of raping Sirius...but hey, it's not rape if it's consented giggles heh heh heh. Okay, so he's hiding in my closet, let's get on with it.

IN ALL HER GLORY

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Linda. She was by no means an ordinary girl. She had a lot of pent up anger and frustration. All her life, Linda learned by example. She was getting so angry and frustrated with the menial little dorks around her, she couldn't stand it. So when one day, she heard about Lord Voldemort with all his deal, she thought to herself "Hey man, that's so cool! I gotta try that!" So she went to this recruitment meeting where they were giving recruits dark marks. She saw her friend Kato there. Kato showed Linda her dark mark. She said "Look what I just got! He took his wand and he put it on me and it's there forever! It's imprinted with his own personal magic!" Linda looked at the dark mark and stared blankly at Kato. She suddenly noticed how silent the room around her was. So Linda said the first thing that came to her mind. "Oh no you di'n't! He nasty!" Kato looked down at her arm and said "You're right, that is nasty!" and off they apparated. Linda knew Voldemort was a nasty biz-atch, but she still liked the idea of a ring of followers doing their lord's bidding. So, learning by example, Linda decided to start her own cult, except she called her cult "The Death Munchers" and gave out T-shirts. All of them got tattoos that read "If all my friends joined Linda's cult, then I would" except Linda had their tattoos in a place where no one could see them.

Every Friday they had a beer blast down at the river bottom and recruited new members. Everyone thought Linda was so boss that she even allowed death eaters to join. But the only way to pledge their allegiance to Linda was with strict, painful hazing...or a sacrifice of one mango. Linda was in the middle of consuming one such mango sacrifice when she decided she wanted to rule the world.

Meanwhile...

Albus Dumbledore was sitting in his chambers when he violently shivered. "I wonder what that could be?" Just then, his potions master Professor Snape came bounding into the room. "Professor Dumbledore, I've just found out that there is a new evil mastermind! Far more powerful than Lord Voldemort!"

"What? Who?"

"The one you call...Linda."

"What? Linda? I remember her. We used to have mad beer blasts down at the river bottom...except for that one fateful day when..." and Albus sort of trailed off. Snape was silent for a moment. //What the?//.

"What do you suggest we do about it, Headmaster?"

"Well, you've been an excellent spy this far. I want you to become a Death Muncher and see what her plans for World Domination are...she would be into that sort of thing..."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"That shouldn't be too hard," Snape said. "Luckily, in order to avoid a painful hazing, all I need is a mango."

"You're shit outta luck!" yelled Dumbledore. "All we have are papayas."

"What?! But without a mango, I have to go through painful hazing-"

"Sorry, I can't hear you!" Dumbledore had his wand to his head dancing around. Snape slowly backed out of the room and walked sulkily back to his quarters.

"Stupid Dumbledore...make me get painful hazings..." he mumbled. Once he got back to his quarters, he used floo powder to transport himself to the river bottom. When he stepped outta the fireplace, he felt so good he didn't know what he was worried about. "What was I thinking? It's just painful, painful hazing." Then he saw some big guy with a leather jacket and cut-off sleeves giving people their hidden tattoos, and that made him snap right outta it. He turned around and looked at the fireplace. Low and behold, it was a giant bong. Then he saw what he was looking for. It was Linda. It was Lord Linda. It was Lord Linda in all her glory. "Ewww..." Reluctantly, Snape walked up to Linda.

"What's with the clothes, nark? Be free!"

"Uhh..right. I came to join your Death Munchers.

Linda looked Snape up and down. "Excellent..." Snape was just glad Linda's hair was that long. "Have you brought your mango?"

"Uhh...no. All we had were papayas."

"Well, it's time for your hazing then." Linda dragged Snape behind a large tree and she hazed him...over, and over, and over again.

Snape was still screaming when he got back to Hogwarts. He was getting quite a few stares from the students in the halls. If anyone said anything to him, he just turned his head in their direction and continued screaming. (A/N:this is the third damn time I've read this, and I'm laughing my ass off!) Still shrieking like a schoolgirl, he knocked on Dumbledore's door. Dumbledore was greeted with a scream as he opened the door.

"Professor, what's wrong?" Screaming. "Tell me what happened." More screaming. "Why are you screaming?" Even louder screaming as he suddenly remembered why he was screaming. Suddenly, he was silent and fell to the floor.

Madam Hooch was standing there, holding her broom like a bat. Staring down at Snape, she yelled, "Keep your pale-ass mouth shut! Some of us are tryin' to teach!"

"How long exactly has he been screaming?"

"Too damn long."

"No, really. How long?"

"Well, let's put it this way. We heard him screaming before he got here. From the fireplace."

"Are you shittin' me?"

"Dawg, you trippin'."

"Word." Then Snape started in with the sleep screams. They took him to Madam Pomfrey. "Do something about this," and they left for the day.

Dumbledore returned later that evening. Snape's face was contorted and frozen with what appeared to be a scream. "Did he fall asleep like that?"

"Actually, he's still screaming. All I could do was put a silencing charm on him. Apparently, the horror he's seen is far too powerful for modern magic to overcome."

"Linda..."

Okay, hope you enjoyed our brief interlude of psyched out madness. Tell me what you thought. Maybe I'll add more. It's always fun to see what kinds of reactions these stories get. Heh hehe heh.


	2. Sirius' rod

For simplicity's sake, we'll call this part three instead of two, in which we learn that Linda is fond of things other than mangos.  
  
~PART TWO~   
  
THE KILLING CURSE OF THE DEATH MUNCHERS  
  
*********************************  
  
Snape was still screaming three days later. Madam Pomfrey was selling tickets to the attraction. She had made an ass-load of money by the time Dumbledore came back.  
  
"We must send an Ambassador to Linda for the cure!" Dumbledore shouted above the screaming. The silencing charm had long since worn off. "Whatever Linda's done, damn she's good!" He caught sight of a pile of greenbacks on Pomfrey's desk. "Hot Damn!! Where'd all this money come from, Pop?!"   
  
"Dawg, you trippin' 'gain. There ain't nothin' there!" Poppy quickly slid it into her ho-sized purse and took off for a trip to Jamaica.  
  
"Bling-bling, money ain't no thing!" Dumbledore sung dancing around. Then he spotted a box filled to the brim with a certain sacrificial fruit.  
  
"You know, these mangos are quite excellent. Ripe...juicy...mmmm...It's mango season..."  
  
"WHAT?!" Snape actually screamed a word.  
  
Dumbledore looked at the bong in his hand. "Damn this stuff is strong! I thought he just said somethin'. What is it, Professor?!" Screaming. "Uh-huh." More screaming. "Really now?" Intensified screaming.  
  
Madam Hooch bitch-slapped Snape upside the head.   
  
"Stop teasin' the animals! And where the hell did you get that mango?!"  
  
"Oh, there's a full box of 'em. Man do I have the munchies!"  
  
"Wha' tha' Hell?! Why didn't you give him one three days ago?!"  
  
"This is more fun!" He poked the unconscious Snape, who screamed bitterly in response.  
  
"No really."  
  
"I was stoned off my ass."  
  
"I'll go!"  
  
"Wha?! Who said that?!" Dumbledore spun around trying to catch his shadow in the act. He screamed as he was face to face with Sirius Black.  
  
"AHHHHH!!" Sirius screamed back. Actually, he kept screaming for five minutes. Dumbledore is helluva scary when you see him up close with his eyes all bloodshot. Plus he smelt funny.  
  
"Where are we goin'? Can we get a bag of chips on the way?" Dumbledore needs to lay off the crack.  
  
"You're going into Rehab. I'm gonna go and see Linda about a cure!"  
  
"You're a brave man, Sirius Black. Now take this magical rod to protect yourself!"  
  
"This is a stick of sugarcane..."  
  
"Same difference! Now go forth, brave hobbit!"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?!" Sirius stole Dumbledore's bong and Madam Hooch knocked him over the head with a beater's club.   
  
"He'll be out for a few hours."  
  
Snape started to scream at different intervals. First a long, high pitched scream, then a low, strangled, bitter scream. His eyes were open once more with a look of terror upon his face, and he screamed short screams that made you think he was done, and then scared the hell outta ya again with shrieks once more.  
  
Sirius used floo powder and came outta the giant bong at the riverbottom. He saw some big scary lookin' guy giving Death Munchers naughty tattoos in a special place and suddenly decided he might not be leaving. There was beer are around and people were having a good time drinking and boozin', and Sirius was sure he smelt the same smell of Dumbledore around the place.   
  
"Oh Snap!" He cried.   
  
There upon her thone in all her glory was Lord Linda, her naughty parts shielded by the flowing hair upon her head. She was drunk off her ass and let out shrieks now and then similar to the ones Snape had done. //Maybe he's just drunk?//  
  
"Where do I sign up?!" He asked eagerly. This place had lines to get into it, and Sirius wasn't going to miss out on such an opportunity. This was the hottest joint this side of the riverbottom.  
  
"Do you have your sacrificial mango?" Linda cackled crazily.   
  
"Chick that's wack."  
  
"Your mom, dawg."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said 'your mom'. Now are you gonna pay the piper or do I have to haze you?"  
  
"All I have is this rod of sugarcane."  
  
"That's your rod?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"It's quite large for a normal man."  
  
"The rods at Hogwarts are always the biggest and the best!"  
  
"Excellent. But you must be hazed! Now strip!"  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"What do you mean 'that's it'?"   
  
"All I have to do is strip and be hazed?"  
  
"Oh yeah!"  
  
"Well then, here's your damn sugar cane, Biz-atch!" And with that he torn off his clothes to reveal very exciting parts. (All of which were hidden from the ever-penetrating sight of the fangirls).   
  
"Oh holy heaven!" Linda grabbed Sirius and led him to her very special place in which she hazed him and he hazed her back....for hours and hours and hours...  
  
They were still hazing each other by the time Dumbledore woke up from his bitch-slap and realized that Sirius hadn't taken a mango with him. In the lateness of the hour, there was silence in the hospital...except for all the screaming Snape was still doing when he kept remembering what he had done and what had been done to him and what Linda and Black were currently doing down at the riverbottom.  
  
"Screw this, I'm gonna go party." And Dumbledore disappeared from the hospital wing unknowingly taking Snape with him.  
  
Meanwhile back at the Riverbottom...  
  
"Oh my God Sirius! You are going to be placed among my best circle of Death Munchers! But first you must learn the secrets of our group!"  
  
"Oh, okay."  
  
Linda, more naked than the day she was born, pressed play upon the stereo and dramatic music started to play.   
  
"You must learn our killing curse. It is the main key we have to destroying the Death Eaters so that the Death Muchers can reign supreme among the best!"  
  
"Zzzzzz...."  
  
"Wake up, dumbass!"  
  
"I'm awake! All that hazing tired me out...Care for another go?!" He was practically foaming at the mouth.   
  
"Not now. Now shut up and pay attention!"  
  
She set the piece of sugarcane Sirius had brought her on a table and whipped out her magic stick.  
  
"Abra Cadaver!" And the cane shriveled up into a nasty lookin' black twig. Sirius held his own magic stick in fright. "Now you know our secrets! Time for more hazing!" And then off they went for more fun. Sirius is a kinky bastard.  
  
*********************************  
  
Heh heh heh...that was fun! Maybe I'll write more.... 


	3. A Bitchfight Ensues

Here's a few thanx to those actually reviewing this pathetic piece of...well...it's certainly not the same caliber as -normal- fanfiction...ummm...he heh he...this is fun to write, this piece of blasphemy...  
  
~PART THREE~  
  
SIRIUS IS ONE KINKY BASTARD  
  
*********************************  
  
Dumbledore found himself in a happy land of fun and booze that made him feel lightheaded and high as the clouds...  
  
Actually, it was once again the riverbottom, and he didn't even need his bong that Sirius stole from him because, well...the place was pretty filled up with smoke.  
  
Snape screamed a horrified scream at being taken back to this place...and possibly to Linda. How could he ever escape her clutches twice?! He screamed at Dumbledore, who's eyes were very bloodshot and rather frightening, and then took off down the riverbottom screaming anew from such a close encounter with such a face.  
  
He exhaled and inhaled deeply as he ran, readying himself for another bloodcurdling scream.   
  
It never came.   
  
Suddenly he was feeling very good. Almost too good for his well-being. Maybe it was due to the fact that he had inhaled some very magical fumes coming from Lord Linda's 'fireplace'?  
  
Snape had one last rational thought before the fun of the fumes overtook him. //That must be how she controls them...//  
  
"Ooo! A party!" The fumes were already hard at work...Excellent.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Ha ha ha! Hee hee hee! Little brown jug how I love thee!!" Dumbledore was singing at the top of his lungs. He had gotten ahold of one of Linda's special jugs of moonshine...and was having the time of his life! He looked quite funny in a toga. "I'm Queen of Mardi Gras!"  
  
"No you're not! I am!" a rather pissed off, and naked, Linda screamed. She marched up to Dumbledore in all her glory, leaving a very exposed Sirius in her wake. She and Dumbledore then proceeded to get into a bitch fight of sorts.  
  
"Dumbledore! You tramp!"  
  
"Linda you ho!"  
  
"Whore!"  
  
"Slut!"  
  
"Harlot!"  
  
"Bitch!"  
  
"Skank!"  
  
"Trollop!"  
  
Linda was taken aback at that one. He didn't need to tell it like it was. What kind of leader was she if she would let Dumbledore get away with calling her a trollop?!  
  
"Oh-oh yeah? Ur mom!" At this, a single tear fell from Dumbledore's eye and he hopped off to go and drink moonshine somewhere alone.  
  
"I, am the Queen of Mardi Gras!! HAHAHAHA!! Now get back to partying, my loyal Death Munchers!"  
  
At her proclamation, the music started up fresh and even more booze was being passed around. Where did she think she was? France?!  
  
"Drink! Drink yourselves silly! MUHUHAHAHA!"  
  
"Chick, you're a lush." Sirius came up behind her, very eager to use his magic stick upon her once more. He was insatiable, so the real question here is: is Sirius the true lush, or is it Linda?  
  
"Dawg, you trippin'...And you're an exhibitionist!" She pointed to a certain member that many a fangirl would be pleased to see, but could not because Sirius is under the authoress's protection...tied down to her bed...but that's another story.  
  
"You're not exactly clothed yourself, and that hair doesn't hide -that- much!"   
  
"Do I have to haze you again?! Don't give me -that- look! Now go and help prepare the giant Martini. How else are the Death Munchers going to take over the Death Eaters and then the world?!"  
  
And as sure as the authoress is probably drunk right now, there was the giant martini glass and many Death Munchers swimming about in it, 'preparing' it. Some were using the giant olives that grew at the riverbottom as floatation devices.   
  
Sirius pouted and took a seat on Lord Linda's throne, pondering the many ways he wanted to haze the bare naked lady giving directions to a bunch of stoned, drunk Death Munchers. //...but we don't have any more mangos for that! dammit!// Sirius further pouted.  
  
Linda was yelling obscenities that would put the Osbourns to shame at the incompetency of her Death Munchers. "You screwballs! No! That wasn't directions or an invitation! I'm insulting you, dammit! No, it's simple, you just- NO! Fock it! You're all cut off!"  
  
Sirius watched as she strode over to him and promptly sat on her throne...in which Sirius was sitting...so in short, she was in his lap. Very naked in his lap. In his very naked lap.   
  
"Where the hell am I gonna find good workers?! These guys can't do shit!" Dumbledore bounced along past them, obviously stoned off his ass once more, yet in that state we like to call 'happy-fun-time'.  
  
Sirius was growing very...impatient...with this nude piece of chick on his very naked lap. "Oh screw it! Let's just shag!"  
  
"EXCUSE ME?!"  
  
"I mean haze! Yes, you must let me haze you!"  
  
"I'm the only one around here who does the hazing, nark!"  
  
And so she proceeded to haze him crazy style upon her throne. She thought she was teaching him a lesson, but oh no, Sirius is a sneaky thing. He was enjoying this 'hazing' very, very much. Sirius is one kinky bastard.  
  
"Ai! Sirius, are you enjoying this?!"  
  
"HELLS YEAH!"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Oh...uh, I mean, No no! Please don't haze me more! I don't think I'll be able to stand another rough hazing! (tee hee) I don't think I'd last another hazing! Please don't!"  
  
"Well, you better not be shittin' me, 'cuz this is your punishment!" And so she continued to haze him, and you wouldn't think it possible, but he was starting to wear her down...and not in the good way! "Okay, I think you deserve a break..." Linda got off Sirius leaving a very aroused piece of man on her throne, and went back over to the a-holes in the giant martini glass. "Hey you a-holes! I said put the booze away! GAH!"  
  
She ran up like some crazed naked wildman, or woman, and proceeded to grab glasses outta people's hands and gulp them down in spite. The man giving out the naughty tattoos nodded to her in approvement.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
While Linda was running crazy around the riverbottom like some mad beer-robber, Sirius was bouncin' up and down in his seat. He had an addiction...and his drug was Linda's 'hazing'. He needed his fix and he needed it now.  
  
"Don't you drink that drink! I'm warning you! NO! Don't pour it out! Stop that! No, we don't feed it to the fish! Get the hell outta the river! We're civilized people, dammit!" Linda was barking orders at people trying to steal their beers, and when you're dealing with drunken stoners, that's not an easy feat. "Okay! Fuck it! You all had better be paying attention, because I'm going to test you all! From this point forth, you are to address me as 'Lady Linda'."  
  
"I don't want to ad-dress you! Want to undress you!"  
  
"Shut yo' mouth! What kind of lame-ass question is that Sirius? I'm already naked!"  
  
"Well sit it over here, ~Lord~ Linda."  
  
"Alright, that's it! No more of that 'Lord' bullshit. We're not Death Eaters! WHAT ARE WE?!!"  
  
And came the reply from her masses:  
  
"DRUNK!!"  
  
"AND WHAT ELSE?!"  
  
"STONED!!"  
  
"BESIDES THAT?!"  
  
"HUNGRY!!"  
  
"AND WHAT THE HELL ELSE ARE WE?!?!?!"  
  
"DEATH MUNCHERS!!!!!"  
  
"DAMN STRAIGHT!"  
  
Thus Linda pranced around and about fully feeling the effects of all the stolen drinks inside her, plus the wonderful...magical...mystical...what?...Oh yeah, the magical fumes. She pranced around and about in a very hypnotic way which was driving Sirius crazy with lust and naughty thoughts, when she tripped over the rather stoned body of a non-screaming Snape.  
  
*********************************  
  
Sirius-ly (ha ha! Forgive the pun but i've always wanted to do that) if you're reading this, what the hell are you on? Oh well, if you'd like to see more, leave me a comment or whatever...otherwise it's stayin' like this. 


	4. Linda falls for Sevvy, literally

Oh look! A comment or two! Okay then, here's a bit more...Thanx for reviewin'.  
  
~PART FOUR~ Section 3.4 Paragraph 5, Area 51.   
  
SEVVY HAS A SECRET WEAPON  
  
*********************************  
  
Linda was on the ground rubbing her bum. It was giving Sirius very, very naughty ideas. "Ow! My ass! Shit! What the fock did I trip over?!" She saw Snape laying on the ground, rubbing himself where foot collided with side.   
  
"Damn you woman! Watch where you're going!"  
  
"Sevvy? I thought you were gone...I thought you couldn't handle my hazings."  
  
Snape suddenly sobered up and sat up in his place. He remembered Linda...all too well. And she was obviously excited he was back. And then the past few days came whishing back to him about all the screaming he had done...and why he had done it.   
  
It had just been that good.  
  
"Dawg, where u been? I missed you!" And she thus straddled his lap...making Sirius very, very jealous...  
  
"I've been screaming for three days straight. Where do you think I've been?"  
  
"Waiting for more fun!" and then she started to drag him behind another tree so that she might haze him for a few hours straight. Oh, yeah!  
  
"Linda! What the hell are you doin'?! You're supposed to be shagging me! Not that git!"  
  
Linda turned around, totally shocked. She had forgotten Sirius was even there...naked...upon her throne...And she was utterly appalled by what he just said...There was about to be some bitch-action goin' down.  
  
"Shut yo mouth!" Linda yelled at Sirius, currently clinging -naked- I might add, to one pissed off Potions Professor.  
  
"Black?! What are you doing here?! Put on some clothes for God's sake!"  
  
"-I-," he started, rather cockily (-hee hee..pun), "Was just in the middle of shagging Linda senseless, now if you'd just leave and so we could get on with it-"  
  
"Fock off, Sirius! You were being punished! Do I need to punish you again?!"   
  
Sirius thought for a moment...oh, yes, he wanted to be punished...kinky bastard...  
  
"Umm...oh no! Please don't punish me! What did I do?!"  
  
"I ain't fallin' for that again, ya nympho! You'll be punished separately! Now go and make the Giant Martini ready to serve, or I'll kick ur ass!"  
  
"Go, Black, we have other...things to take care of..." At the sound of his sexy voice, Linda was practically foaming at the mouth. Whether it was from anger or lust, we'll never truly know...or will we?  
  
"I WANT YOU NOW SEVVY!"  
  
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Sirius was right pissed. And there was no way in hell he was gonna let Snape get more of that fine, fine piece of ass. "I challenge you to a duel!"  
  
"We don't do that here, idiot! I ain't gonna let you guys battle it out. You might injure yourselves and then where will I be?"  
  
*cricket noises*  
  
"I wouldn't have anyone fun to haze, now would I? We have special duels at the river bottom. -Man- duels. And Sirius, I don't think you're well enough equipped for it..." Linda then proceeded to stare at his piece...his meat...his bacon...his sausage...his banana...his rod...  
  
"Are you shittin' me?! I graduated Hogwarts! Our rods are the biggest and the best!" He stood proudly for all to see. Now many of Linda's Death Munchers had started to lazily enjoy the show, and were openly gaping. If Lady Linda didn't think he was well equipped, then all her plans of World Domination (she would be into that) and other such things were screwed.  
  
"My Lady, I think you're makin' a mistake!" Death Muncher yelled from atop the Giant Martini. "His magic stick is the greatest of all!"  
  
"Are you addressing I? That's it! You'll suffer the consequences for thinkin' I'm shittin' ya! ~Abra Cadaver!~" The Death Muncher who had spoke out was now gripping his crotch in pure agony. She had done away with his magic stick! *gasp*  
  
"You know I'm the best, Linda. Just look at this fine piece!" Sirius is quite the exhibitionist.  
  
"That's nothing..." Snape told him, whipping out -his- piece.  
  
"HOLY SHIT!" Came the cry from the masses. If Linda was crazy with lust before, nothing compared to now. She really wanted her Sevvy's piece...his magic stick...his wedding tackle...his tiddly-wink...his winky...his secret weapon...She was very hungry for his meat...his hotdog...his schnitzel...  
  
"Holy fock! For God's sake start the duel already!!"  
  
*********************************  
  
heh heh heh...that was fun...now time to go have fun with the potion's master...you didn't think i was kidding, did you? okay, reviw if you want more, otherwise it stays like this. 


	5. And so the Victor is Named

Oookaaay...I guess I'll just continue this then shall I? Suggest just about anything and I'll write it.  
  
~PART FIVE~  
  
THE END OF THE CONTEST  
  
*********************************  
  
"Start it! Start it! If I don't haze one of you soon I'm gonna burst!" Linda shouted, mainly at her Sevvy. Truly, his piece was quite exceptional...ly large...And she needed to haze someone...and fast!  
  
Sirius was full on gaping at Sevvy's rod...out of jealousy, intimidation, or lust, we'll really never know.   
  
"Close your mouth, Black. Some might take it as an invitation," came Snape's response to Sirius' leering glare.  
  
"I think he fancies you, Sevvy!" Came a cry from the top of the martini glass. Linda abra cadavered someone.  
  
"Only -I- may call him that!"  
  
"Correct."  
  
"And he better not fancy you, Sev, cause I'm not sharing!" Linda leered at Sirius, or a certain part of him, while clinging to Snape. She liked everyone finally freeing themselves of the restraints of clothing.  
  
"I do not!"  
  
"Why not? Am I not desirable?" Immediately all eyes fell upon the rather impressive rod belonging to Sevvy himself. Even Sirius' eyes were glued to the impressive instrument.  
  
"You're shittin' me! No way is that thang real!" Sirius took Snape's rather majestic rod as a threat to his own...stick. Now who would get to haze Linda?  
  
"Frightened, Black?"   
  
"Hell no!" Sirius was rather confident in his tool as well. "Let's start this duel!"  
  
"Sirius, you're wacked. It's already been goin' on!"  
  
"WAAH?!?!?"  
  
Linda was crazy foaming at the mouth by now, barely able to contain herself. The contest, er- duel, was almost over, and would end once Linda became so crazy with lust that she merely jumped one of them with pure primal instinct...and then the hazing would be good and long...and harsh...for many a fortnight...  
  
Linda screamed, her brain becoming frustrated with all this se-...er, hazing tension. She needed one of their rods and she needed it now! "I'M GONNA BLOW!!!"   
  
"Me first!" Sirius shouted.  
  
"Shuttup, Black."  
  
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!" Linda screeched....but was, in a sense, going to freak out if she didn't haze someone very soon.  
  
"Lady Linda's about to choose! Don't move if you value ur balls!" Random Death Muncher #3 yelled out.   
  
Linda was a foaming, raging junkie and she needed her drug right now! But who would serve as her fix?  
  
Everyone went still as Linda was bouncing about creepily with an insane look upon her face and a song in her heart...a very sexy song...a song too sexy...for her self...She started to shake as she lost all control and her Death Munchers froze in place for safety. Stoned and drunk they were, fools they were not.   
  
Sirius looked confident (if more than frightened) and awaited some of the best se- I mean hazing punishment- of his life (he's just so damn kinky!)   
  
Snape, on the other hand, betrayed no emotion as he stood and awaited the result of the duel, with his impressive rod for all to see...and see they did.  
  
Linda had a look in her eyes similar to that of a crazed chipmunk on crack, and then she pounced, dragging her lovin'-partner...er, her hazing victim...I mean, victor of the duel, into the nearest gathering of trees on the riverbottom. There was much rejoicing as the obvious contestant was chosen as Lady Linda's new male lead in crime...among other things.  
  
And all by his onesies, standing with a most shocked and appalled expression on his face, was Sirius Black, finally out-dueled by the Potions Master after so many years...and in a way he would have never ever dreamed of.  
  
"No fockin' way."  
  
There were screams every now and then, and sudden high-pitched shrieks coming from the clearing in which Linda and Sevvy were situated, getting it...for a lack of a better word, on.   
  
The Death Munchers took full advantage of this and began the crazy RiverBottom Parties once more, passing out much booze and many different reality-enhancers. Linda couldn't steal and drink their booze now. She would be busy as heck with her Potions Master...and he with her.   
  
And once all this was accomplished, then the real strike against the Death Eaters would commence. Ol' Moldy-Shorts had no idea that the giant martini the Death Munchers were making would in fact contain a giant ruffie...heh heh heh...  
  
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Great Moon I'm on crack. You gotta be on more crack than me to be reading this...Okay, whatever the hell is possessing me to write this tripe is utter bull. If you'd like to see more, review or it stays this way. Also, I'm full open to any and every suggestion...Linda's not too picky. 


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